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Friday, February 21, 2014

Hope for Infertility

Infertility.  It's a harsh word isn't it?  But so many don't realize the harshness of it.  Like many others, there was a time I hardly knew it existed.  Never really gave it much thought.  Nope.  My thoughts were all directed toward the babies I would one day deliver.  From the time I was a very young girl I had big dreams.  Every Saturday my siblings and I got to take turns choosing an outing with my Grammy.  And every week when it was my turn, without fail, I drug my poor Grandmother and my siblings to the hospital to stare at the newborn babies through the nursery window (HIPPA laws were much more lax in those days).  It's not most peoples idea of a great field trip but nothing excited me more.   Grammy was a good sport.  She knew my love for babies and I know she wanted to foster that in me.  So there I stood, until they drug me away, dreaming through the window about one day getting my turn to cuddle one of those sweet little bundles wrapped in pink or blue blankets and snuggled in their bassinets.  I loved everything about it.  It was pure heaven to me.  Heaven was having a baby.  As I grew a bit older, I continued to make my rounds at the hospital nursery and marched off to dreamland to play house with my dolls every chance I got.

The years passed and my desire to be a Mommy never waned.  C and I met when I was 29 and married 2 years later.  A little over a year after we got married, we started trying to conceive.  I expected it to take at least 3 months and had read that the average for most couples was about 6 months.  No problem.   My dream was finally about to come true!  Only it didn't.  And it didn't.  And it didn't.  Twelve then thirteen months of "and it didn'ts."  I was confused.  Overwhelmed.  About the 5-6 month mark I had started reading every book I could get my hands on to make sure we were doing everything possible to optimize our ability to conceive.  Nothing worked.  I went to my gyn.  She gave me a referral to the infertility clinic.

C and I both went and had thorough workups (many people think infertility is a female problem but a whopping 50% of infertility issues are male related so they really need to be checked too!).  Sure enough…diagnosis = infertility...but worse yet…cause = unexplained.  Not helpful.  Not helpful at all.  They gave me a fairly large dose of clomid.  I used it for a few months.  No luck.  They explained that the next step was IUI (intrauterine insemination) and gave me an Rx for 6 months worth (it was the military and that's how it works around those parts).  They also informed me that 6 IUIs was the max they would give because if it hadn't worked by #6, it wasn't going to work for me at all.  No problem.  Six was plenty!  I was full of hope once again.

I had already looked into doing IVF (in vitro fertilization) through the military and knew that for us personally, we had ethical issues with the military process and had made the decision that that was not going to be an option we would pursue.  Because we were eligible for military services, our insurance didn't cover a single dime at a private infertility clinic and so we knew financially, that option would be ruled out for us as well.  IUIs were the end of the road for us in terms of biological children.  But I wasn't scared.  Six IUIs seemed like a lot and I was so filled with hope that it was going to work.  Month 1.  Pregnancy test was negative.  Month 2.  Another negative.  Okay, I'm starting to get scared now.  Really scared.  I'm trying to hold on to hope but not even medical interventions are working and in four (what now seemed like very short) months I am going be completely out of options.  I was never going to have a biological child.  Prayer prayer and more prayer.  Month 3…nada.  Desperate.  Month FOUR of only six…another big fat "not on your life."  Flailing.  Grasping for hope like a drown victim.

I picked up a Christian book with a title indicating hope for the infertile.  Inside were stories from people like myself.  Infertile people.  I read about a woman who had been infertile for some time, in fact, she was never able to conceive but instead, she found a sunday school class full of children.  She taught them.  She loved them.  And she spoke of how they filled that void within her.  She was now so happy and felt complete.  I sat there stunned.  I couldn't even begin to wrap my mind around it.  A sunday school class?  THIS was my hope to fill this gaping, gushing, never going to stop flooding my soul with sadness/depression/loneliness wound in my heart?  A sunday school class was my hope?  I felt SO desperate by this point and this was it?  I thought I was going to lose my mind.  And then I did.  I lost my mind.  I lost control.  The book of supposed hope, the sunday school class in place of a child, it sent me over the edge.  I started screaming, crying, sobbing from the depths of my soul.  I'm never going to have the baby!  I have spent my entire life dreaming of having children and now I am going to have to find a way to make a sunday school class suffice instead?!?!  Trying to squeak out whatever words I could muster I told the Lord I would rather die (I was not suicidal in any way).  I told him I could not possibly spend my life trying to fill this void with anything less than a baby.  I mean, I didn't tell Him in English.  I told him with groans and utterances only our God could ever understand.  In that moment I had lost every last shred of hope I had left.  Still whaling, I was making noises I am not sure human beings were ever intended to utter.  By this time I was on the ground  C was standing there (bless his heart…and I give him full credit for not running as far and as fast as he could and never coming back) but he just looked stunned by my behavior.  It didn't phase me.  I was so far beyond caring what anybody thought about my outburst in that moment.  The neighbors could have come over and I could not have gotten control of myself.  Heck, we lived in Washington DC at the time and I kid you not, if the President himself would have stopped by, I would not have been able to find a way to pull myself together.  All of the pain, all of the fear, the hopelessness, the desperation, the loneliness.  It was all coming to the surface.  I have no idea if it was 15 minutes or 30 but at some point I managed to pull myself together to some extent.  I even managed to keep on breathing the next day.  I didn't want to but I wasn't dead yet so I didn't have a choice.  I begged the Lord several times that if he was never going to allow me to have a baby he had to bring me to heaven because the pain of this earth would just be too great to bare.

Side note (and yes, I realize this is a very odd time and place for a side note! Ha!): For those of you who have never walked in these infertility shoes, please don't be too quick to judge.  I know this story or others you may have heard can seem way overly dramatic but infertility for many of us women, whose biggest dream in life is to become a mom is a totally consuming issue.  It robs you of SO MUCH.  For many of us, it feels as though our entire identity as women has all of a sudden vanished.  That's HUGE.  Several years ago I heard some big wig psychiatrist talking on a morning news program.  The topic was infertility and they were talking about the seriousness of infertility on a woman's frame of mind.  I remember he said, "Infertility is a very serious issue.  The people who come into my office with infertility issues are every bit as depressed as the people who come into my office with a terminal illness." I don't doubt that for a second.

Shortly after going to see the infertility specialist for the first time, I happened to find a very supportive chat board.  It was a huge blessing in so many ways.  I could go there, vent, and the ladies understood in ways even my family couldn't even understand.  I found out about treatments others were pursuing and they asked me about mine.  One of the ladies suggested that I ask the doctor for a particular medication given via a shot, and also for a trigger shot on my next round.  I had nothing to lose so I asked.  The doc agreed.  She sent me upstairs to get the medication from the nurse.  The nurse showed me the little vials and then the needle which was literally several inches LONG.  I knew I was going to be giving myself these shots at home so I asked her just exactly how far I had to force that huge needle into my body.  Surely a little prick would be enough, right?  She replied, "all the way!"  I chuckled.  I knew she was kidding.  She wasn't.  I died.   I didn't think it could get worse.  It did.  She told me I needed to do a practice stick right here.  Right now.  "And I have no time for fussing or squeamishness" she said.  Remember Nurse Ratched from One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest?  You're picturing her now aren't you?  If you aren't, you should be.  I called upon all of the Holy Hosts of heaven and somehow managed to get that Olympic sized javelin needle through my leg.  Then I ran as fast as my legs would take me out the door.

So, we're ready for IUI 5 of 6 now and on top of my other meds I'm shooting up regularly.  C and  I were sitting in the waiting room at Walter Reed.  I had heard other women on the chat boards describe what it felt like to ovulate on these medications and as I sat there, I felt the same "pinch" they described.    "I think I just ovulated" I said.  He looked at me and I could tell he was grasping for something else, ANYTHING else, to say. He changed the subject (talking about ovulation is SO FAR from his thing) and  I let it go except for a quick thought of it being impeccable timing, if I had, in fact, just ovulated…considering we were in the doctors office ready for an IUI and all.  I was teetering between trying to have hope and being much too afraid to do so.  We got called back into the office.  We "did the deed" in a most unconventional manner and were sent on our way.  We white knuckled it through another 2 weeks (oh how those roller coaster 2 week increments are hades on earth, aren't they?) and at the end, sure enough…on November 4th, 2007 I took my first ever positive pregnancy test!!!  We were SO STUNNED and OVER THE MOON!!!  And SO INCREDIBLY GRATEFUL to our Heavenly Father for seeing us through one of the most difficult trials of our lives.  Five years later, here is the beautiful result of God's faithfulness...
So, in all of this, what I really wanted to say most is to those of you struggling through infertility right now.  YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  Even if you can't reach out to your family and you're too hurt or reserved to talk to friends, find a supportive chat board.  There are plenty out there and there are REAL people struggling with your same issues.  They, better than anyone, (with the exception of Christ of course) know what you are going through.  I always find it ironic to think that the Lord didn't use a doctor to give me the perfect combination for success.  He used a random lady on a chat board!  If I had never "met" her, I would never have asked for that particular medication combo. and my life may well have taken a very different path.  But God had a plan.

I also wanted to say that I forced myself to share some of the more embarrasing parts of my story because I think all to often we read infertility stories that talk about it being one of the hardest times in their life…but what does that mean?  What does it look like?  I wanted to share what it really looked like for me because I often wondered if I was losing my mind while others were able to hold it together. I tried so hard to trust the Lord through it all, knowing He was truly my only hope.  But at times, the shameful truth is, I doubted Him big time.  I knew He certainly could but I didn't believe he would for me.  But He NEVER let me go!!!  Hold on tight to Him in this storm!  He LOVES YOU and He is FAITHFUL!!!

P.S. - Please come back for part 2 to hear how God saw us through another 1.5 pregnancies.  It shouldn't be nearly as long. ;)

P.P.S. - If you are currently going through this battle with infertility or any other difficult time for that matter, I hope you will take time to read my post, "Where is God When I'm Hurting?"

4 comments:

  1. Thank you for posting this. My heart really needed this right now. Just did iui #1 this week with a 10% chance of success. A dream has never felt so close but so far away.

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    1. I know the feeling Kez! Lucky us, we have a God who doesn't want us to focus too much on the facts but rather on the TRUTH of His supernatural powers! I will keep you in my prayers! And thanks for your comment! You're the first on my blog!

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  2. Great post! We are five IUIs in, and dealing with male factor infertility. I really appreciate your candidness. I think it's so important to allow ourselves to be a bit vulnerable in times like these. I've opened up immensely, and I've been blessed by so many supportive women who are struggling in the same manner.

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    1. Thanks for your comment Lo! I am so glad you have people you can open up with about this. Such a trying time but through Christ we are more than conquerers. Hang in there! :) I will be praying for you!

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